Updated: Aug 3, 2020
I wanted to discuss how it felt for me to enter into the darkness after living a life that I thought was going to lead me to being fulfilled and enlightened. Only to guide me into a dark and deep storm.
It was 5 years ago. The proposal was made, and the future was set. So it seemed. Life had a shine to it. I had a purpose and I was earning more than reasonable money developing expensive cars. My wife Natasha was beautiful and although not completely happy that we were on schdule for her plans, she had faith that I was the guy and that life was going to go the way she wanted. I guess things never go exactly the way you want them to.
Although I was commuting a long way, the job was alright. I'd found a place of work that was fulfilling and that I saw myself at. I felt I had the potential to climb the ladder amongst a group of budding UK engineers under a title that some stability to it. OK, it was the same as the major German contenders, but there was a part of me that was driven to really re-engage the business and drive it into a different place. So much so that I remember having a meeting with one of the senior development managers and pitching to him. It was a laughable pitch to be honest. I'd been so lacking in my belief and self-worth that I could really change a company as big as this, that I downplayed the opportunity to really make a name for myself and show my abilities. As a result, I completely failed to prepare for the meeting. I did half arsed presentation and didn't expand on any of the details. It was so wishy-washy, and I knew it. Fortunately for me the man sitting on the other side of the desk was pretty sympathetic. I think he saw the eagerness and the energy, but wasn't sold by the expertise that he saw in front of him, and I felt it. I either knew or told myself that I wasn't good enough, and now here it was being confirmed by this manager. He still did what any good manager did and referred me to a member of his team to share any ideas with them. He didn't shoot me down, and he didn't kill me off, but he certainly taught me a two big lessons that day. One would take me years to learn from. Failure from over-thinking. The other I got there and then. As a manager always be kind and supportive because you never know what the other person is taking away from the interaction.
“One would take me years to learn from. Failure from over-thinking. The other I got there and then. As a manager always be kind and supportive because you never know what the other person is taking away from the interaction.”
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